My year of football

I went to a Western Mustangs football game at the end of September (University)
I went to a game in Buffalo a couple of weeks ago (NFL)
I went to the Argos quarter final today (CFL)
I'm going to a Broncos game in Mile High stadium next weekend in Denver (NFL)
The weekend after is the 100th Grey Cup (CFL)
I might be going to another Bills game in Buffalo on the 2nd (though that's looking iffy...) (NFL)
And I'm definitely going on the 16th to the Bills game in Toronto (NFL)

Life is good.

Life is very good.

I don't hate Christmas this year

Yes, that is newsworthy. To be perfectly honest, I'm a little surprised by that.  Now, I'm never going to be the one that's like 'Hey, Wow!  Christmas is coming!"  and have that make me inexplicably happy and giggly.  Nor am I going to rush to get decorations or make my own gingerbread house (though I do LOVE gingerbread) but I did find that today as I was walking around, I didn't run screaming from stores when I heard the Christmas music and I even found that the Christmas stuff at Starbucks is kinda nice.

Some of it.

Some of it's tacky as hell, but isn't tacky what makes Christmas Christmas?

I'll confess to buying their Joy tea.  One would think that someone who drinks so much of it might start to take after it's name, but I'm not making any promises. (which means it's never gonna happen...)  And I even found myself contemplating buying their red & white Christmas mug set but 1. they're waaayyy too expensive for just some old mugs and 2. this mug thing has just got to stop.  I almost have more mugs than pajamas now, so that's just wrong....

Still banning the Christmas cards and presents thing this year (unless I'm spending Christmas day with you, then we'll have to talk....) but I'm not as strongly negative toward the holiday as I was last year.

I'd say I've slipped into neutral.

:)

Baby Steps

So I read this on Oprah's website today, it's a Martha Beck special:

5 Pieces of Advice Everyone Ignores (but Shouldn't!)

1. What leaves you feeling bad, do less of. What leaves you feeling good, do more of.
2. To achieve bigger goals, take smaller steps
3. Lie down and rest for a while.
4. When you don't know what to say, try the truth.
5. Free yourself from dysfunctional people by refusing to try to control them. 

So while I haven't practiced them all today (or ever), I found myself talking to myself on my first run in two months saying, "take smaller steps" and kept saying it and managed to run to the end of my short first run without stopping or walking.

Did that make sense?  Sorry, it's late.

I'd like to claim that I made the connection from 'the smaller steps' comment to my run tonight, but I had a little help, part of the explanation Martha Beck wrote is as follows:

As a teenager, I often injured myself trying to run mountain trails. Then I noticed that bikers downshift to climb hills. I began mimicking them, taking steps so tiny they felt inconsequential. This allowed me to run uphill quickly without getting tired, winded, or hurt. The one race in which I actually placed was on a mountain trail where I scurried along like a mouse on a mission, zipping past runners whose gazelle-like leaps were taxing their lungs and ruining their knees.

 So, okay I didn't place in any race, but tonight, I did finish.

:)

Yeah me!

They say it comes in 3's

So, in the last 5 minutes - literally - two friends have told me they're expecting.  Since it's been so long since I've had sex that I barely remember what it's like, I'm putting some serious cash on the fact that the third person won't be me.

You know, I've always done my best to be happy for my friends - and I've been successful - until now. It just makes me a little sad sometimes to hear how everyone seems to be growing, getting on with their lives while I just seem to be on skip and repeat.  I'm back at the banks - this time in a lower level job and working for a guy that - although bright - is younger and less experienced than me and he makes me crazy.  I've got an apartment to live in, but I don't own anything.  At least in Sydney I used to own my own car - but now I have a car loan so I truly own nothing.

To be honest, that bothers me less than my personal life.  I've done everything I can - I've quit jobs, moved countries to try to sort things out, yet it's moments like these that I just feel like I'm failing at life. I've spent years trying to sort myself out and in just 5 minutes it makes all that work seem so futile.

yeah, I know - it's not that bad.  But the first email came from a friend that's here - that knew I was having a tough time, knew I was struggling yet I never heard from her in the last year.  Vague attempts at dinner were made but I just gave up.  So now, as the multi-birthday month of November has arrived and the dreaded Christmas is looming and the extremely wet, cold and gloomy weather has arrived, I get an email with their 'news' and it's just made me feel terrible.  I know she's not purposely trying to do that - she's not that kind of person - but really - when does the time stop for me having to be happy for everyone and I have something that makes me happy for me?

Venting.  It's suppose to make you feel better.  Fingers crossed.

PS - I'm so not answering her email....

Things to be grateful for

A wise friend said to me today that I need to take the positive things said to me, spend time thinking about them and let them sink in and be grateful.  So...I'm not boasting, I'm just going to put down some of the positive things said to me in the last week, and see if I can prove to myself that they outweigh the one negative thing I heard. (This is something I'm not very good at... Compare this post to my last one and you'll understand.)

• We are very, very happy with your work.
• You've have had a great start and we want you to keep going
• I see you as a leader for the Toronto office
• We need more passionate people like you to help us push forward our planned changes
• Yo've done a great job building relationships with our key customers and senior MD's
• You're easy going and fun to be around
• You did a great job running the team building session
• No one else could have pulled off running that session - that's why we asked you.
• It's so great to see you. 
• You've managed to achieve progress where none of us managed last year
• You're very even keel and a calming presence on the team
• You're right - you are awesome
• You do rock.  I've always thought you rock.
• You are fabulous and you know you are most always the smartest person in the room.
• Oh, we've got a spitfire here!  I like that.
• You're waayyy hotter than her. 
• You are an exceptional hire.
• You have been so supportive.  I really appreciate it.
• You are a good friend.
• It's so great to see you. 

Okay, I've gotten bored of doing this.  It's amazing how saying nice things holds my attention for maybe 5 minutes, but I can obsess for days about any small criticism....

Oh, I just realized I forgot the point - I'm suppose to absorb and be grateful.  Better turn the tv off....

....

....

....

It worked.  I am very grateful that people are so generous with their compliments.  

I am very grateful, full stop.

Dem all bitches...

Seriously.  Sometimes I really hate women.  No kidding.  Sometimes the thought of only working with guys is so appealing.  But I realise that's so wrong.  Too bad that knowing that's wrong doesn't stop me thinking it.

So what's going on?  you ask.

Well, I have a colleague who's decided that I was doing 'her work' and 'taking over' when in fact, I was asked by my boss and her boss to do something because she was busy doing other things.

She was being such a cow about it, that I acquiesced and told her it was all hers - I would leave it.  (The fact that I was home with pneumonia really reduced my fight capacity....funny how she picked the time when I was home sick to create such a stir.)

Apparently that wasn't good enough, so when my boss was in town last week for our team workshop - and after I left the pub at 6pm because I was still in recovery mode from pneumonia - she spent the night complaining about me to my boss.

Bitch.

Seriously?  She didn't say a word to ME about it, she just bitched to HIM.

Fucking cow.

So - during my annual review with my boss the next day - my hungover boss that is... he brings it up.  AND he even typed a comment into the review about getting along with junior co-workers.  Despite the fact that he rated me 'exceptional' on relationship building.

Seriously.  What fucking crap.

But to his credit, he admitted it was his fault the confusion had even happened BUT he was shocked when he heard that she had told me he'd backed her.  In turn, I was shocked that he told me she doesn't like me.   Really?  Isn't there something else you'd rather spend your energy on?   It's all so childish and I really want no part of it - yet somehow I'm stuck in the muddy middle.

I told my boss that I always remain professional, that my aim is to get things done and deliver for him, and that I will always be polite and even pleasant when I can be - that she doesn't have to like me, we just have to work together.

So he says to me, "but wouldn't it be nicer if she did like you?"

Somehow I managed to not tell him that I'm uninterested in whether a conniving little snivelling cow likes me or not.

Bitch.

So - any comment has been removed from my review and he's told me he's exceptionally happy with me, yaadda, yadda, yadda - but today it's still bugging me.  One of my team members is her friend - and I should stay away from her as well, because in the walk to the tea store and back today, I somehow managed to be told by her that no one thinks this other girl did anything wrong.  At least she wasn't nervy enough to say they blamed me - she's told me everyone blames my boss - but now I'm feeling like I've been dirtied by the 'girls fighting at work' crap.  That it's become a huge thing that until my review, I wasn't even aware of.  And now, I just feel bad.

Seriously.  I'm anxious.  I think it's partly due to that wonderful flaw I have that anything less than perfect is unacceptable - which I understand in my head is crazy - but my emotions are having a tough time accepting.

My logical brain says that there's nothing more I can do - just continue as I am.  Which is funny, because that's exactly what my MD said to me when he took a brief moment out from his beer, "Just be you.  Be more confident about being you."  I think that may have actually been the quote and not something I plucked from a Hallmark website.

So many good things said to me and I'm obsessing over some little annoying twat's whining.

I think what got to me today was that I mentioned to my team member that our MD had said to me to not worry about someone as inconsequential as her (I think he really did say that) and that just to push my way through.  Her response was to say our MD said the same thing to the little twat about me.

I really need to stop listening to hearsay.

A friend recently told me that people who appear to be your friend yet always make you feel shitty after you've spoken with them, are actually passive aggressive and not really your friend.

I have no friends at work.  My only friend moved on because she couldn't stand the place (mostly because of her team - which is different one than mine).

It sucks being a woman in her 40's working not only in capital markets - but also IT.  Repeat after me: 'party of one!'

Sometimes I just don't think I'm strong enough.  I wish I was thicker skinned.

What not to say when you're at the doctors....

"If you're still not feeling better in two weeks, come back." my doctor said as we were heading out of the exam room.

"If I'm not better in two weeks, I'm going to shoot myself." I sarcastically reply, not thinking anything of it until I felt her small little hand on my shoulder and she said:

"Don't say that in a doctor's office, Laura."

I kind of laughed and then headed out but stopped in the bathroom on my way out.  When I came out of the bathroom, I got the, "Can you come here for a minute Laura?"

So, under the pretense of telling me my blood pressure is a little high (it never is, so it must be the flu...) she asks me, "You didn't really mean that you would shoot yourself, did you?"

Laughing ever so little, I said, "No, of course not.  I was just being a smart ass."

"You don't have guns at home do you?"

What?  Guns at home?  In my whole life, I never ever seen a gun.  Ever.  Well, except for the ones on tv - which probably aren't real anyway.  I've never even had a squirt gun.

"Uh, no."

"As your doctor, I have to ask.  It's kind of like when a kid tells his teacher that his dad will kill him if he brings home a bad mark."

Ahh, liability -  not believability.  "No, I wasn't serious.  I'm a little frustrated because I haven't exercised in a while - I've only been able to do some stretching."

"Don't say that in a doctors office."

"Got it.  Promise, never again."

Is it wrong that I found the whole thing really funny??